Pause

Yesterday was the first sunny day we've had in weeks. It felt wonderfully spring-like...enough to mow the lawn for the first time this year. It was also time to complete our time with Lucy and spread her ashes. How hard. Just when I thought I was done grieving, the loss was revisited.

When our first dog passed away, we spread her ashes on the north side of our house in the garden where she liked to sleep. For Lucy, we decided the south side through which gate she preferred to escape (until we became savvy to her methods). Emotions were as volatile as the ash of our sweet, long-legged girl let loose.

We saved some of her ashes and afterward took them mountain biking to a local trail system we often ride in the winter when higher routes are snow-covered. Where I would have dribbled the ash as we rode, my husband, who was carrying her ashes, chose to put them at certain spots. It was much more appropriate. When we'd ride with Lucy, she and my husband were always ahead of me and they had their own games they'd play. In some spots, Lucy would race my husband in straight-aways or cut through woods to short cut the trail and get out in front. He knew all those spots and at each one, we'd stop and he'd relate why he was putting the ash there. It was very tender and a wonderful way for him to say good-bye to his favorite dog companion.

Yesterday took the wind out of my new-dog-cravings. It seems sacrilegious to bring another pup into the home. I think we need a bit more time saying good-bye to Lucy.